hello, hello, hello, from the land rich in culture and traditions but opt to choose the “Other”, hello again! i am writing tonight to tell the world that i am still here, breathing and, oh, still crying. picking the pieces of myself on the floor because for the past year, i’ve been an android and/or a puppet. and now, i am writing the saddest elegy of them all, i have to move on and focus myself to better opportunities meant for me, if there really are better opportunities. anyway, you’ve heard it right, i am planning to leave my job and do the things i really want to do. i know, i know, i’ve been blabbing and ranting about this na since late last year but hey, my decision is final. i really am leaving that monstrous building. but the prob is, where am i going? mashado akong na-attach sa monstrous building and i can’t find a better building that will shelter me. as kuh ledesma said, “dito ba, ang sulok kong sadya?” nyorks! that line is really hassle sa muscle. heheh. the truth is, i’m here because i just want to drop by and say, “hey, cosmos, sana naman you have better plans for me this 2012. hihihi.”

got to go now to finish the loads of work on my desk. lezzzgo! (:

The thing is, I am excited to leave my work, and leave some of these insecure, conceited, and know-it-all bitches in the office. Like this certain officemate who is very insecure, oh gurl, i don’t know why you are so insecure. A lot of people are venerating you, worshiping you even as if your are the saint of the show but how come you always take my jokes seriously? how come, girl? how come? when i messaged you “happy new year and quota ka na,” it’s a joke. as in a focking joke. or your small, unethical, and bullshit arse mind really cannot distinguish a joke from a serious one? oh, eh di ikaw na ang masipag, wala kang sense of humour. insecure much ka talaga, teh?don’t worry, i’ll soon leave the office so you don’t have to be insecure. baby you are a firework, katy perry said. um, i won’t be surprised if you didn’t get it. harhar. stupid people.

hay naku, this is the first time i will blab about this but i am so freaking tired of dealing with ugly monsters like the show’s host, the show’s unethical, monstrous, and insensitive bosses, uneducated cameramen who think they are like gods, i mean, hello, are you focking kidding me moron cameramen?, oh, and those stupid officemates who think they are the best persons in this goddam world. eeeek, one of my new year’s resolutions for 2012, stop stooping down to their level!

i don’t want to beef anymore with stupid bitches. aaack.

Isisigaw ko lang ‘to, pramis!

PUTANGINA NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Pagud na pagod na ‘ko. You cosmic bitchy design, why you so bad? why you give me lotsa lotsa problems, issues, failures that I can’t handle. You don’t love me. Babalikan kita at gaganti ako sa ginagawa mong ‘to sa akin.

 

PUTANGINA NYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TALAGA!!!

I am the stupidest person ever. I hate myself. Why am I not good as him/her? Why am I stupid? Bakit ba napakatanga ko? Bakit ba ako nagpapakatanga na mabuhay pa sa mundong tila wala namang plano at espasyo para sa akin?

 

Nakakapagod din palang maging masaya, nakakapagod din pala ang pagtingin sa kisame, nakakapagod din pala ang panonood ng sine, nakakapagod din pala ang pagliliwaliw sa mga araw na walang trabaho, at nakakapagod din palang malungkot at umiyak.

Pagod na pagod na talaga ako sa sunud-sunod na kalungkutan at pagkabigo. Gusto ko na lang bumitiw at mawalang parang bula.

 

 

Ang cursor ng computer na nakaturo sa itaas, ang typing cursor na tila kumikindat, puti na magiging itim, lalabas na magtatago, parang tibok ng puso. Sabi ng kantang pinapakinggan ko ngayon, “i am falling to pieces”. Nagpapaka-poetic sa gitna ng krisis at trahedya, sa ligalig ng kalungkutan sa mundo. At ako, narito, nagtitipa ng nararamdaman; at naniniwalang isang araw ay matutupad ang fantasya na sana’y nasa ibang mundo ako ngayon, nasa ibang panahon, nasa ibang pagkakataon, at nasa ibang ako.

 

patlang.

thirty five minutes before 12 o’clock, i can hear the ticktock of the clock’s finger from where i am sitting. tick tock tock tick tick tock. i’ve been itching to update this blog since last month but i always ended up a loser, meaning creative amnesia, if there is such a term, succumbs me every now and then. oh, just like now. i have a lot of kwentos and rants to share but i don’t find the right words to describe them. i find writing difficult. aaaaaack. the paradox of me writing journalistic scripts every week for a mainstream investigative show on tv. anyway, if my sister is not beside me watching die another day on hbo, i can cry buckets now. why? i don’t know. it’s just one of those melancholy nights. again. dap dap dap. and yeah, it’s christmas time! everyone is posting a holiday greeting on facebook and twitter but seriously i don’t focking care. as in really. as in fucking really. christmas is not for everyone. oh, yes, yes, yes, it is the loser of me again hating christmas and this world, but who wouldn’t hate this goddamn world that always puts me on the bad light. aaaack. enough of these senseless musings and hatred. i should get my phone now and check if that person finally realize that someone is waiting for the tantanan, precious text message. i shouldn’t be a cry baby now. i have moved on, right? pakyu, homers of this world! you guys should go to hell. homers always break my delicate heart. anyway, let’s set aside this detritus lost love and nostalgia to give way to that thong that made me feel like crazy for a month now. as adele said, should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements? i meant, should i resign from my work, bitch. i can give you a five-page essay on why i should leave this job now, MLA with Marxist framework, i can use derrida-esque or foucauldian analysis if you want plus pasley’s social sciences terminologies. but oh, oh, oh, you cosmos are breaking my heart. i should do what i want to do in this fucking life. i should get up now and do the things that will make me a better person. i am so sick and tired of stooping down to the level of those unethical, monstrous, and stupid people. in the light of my senescence, i should leave now! or else, i’ll just kill myself!

1, 2, 3…

After many months of hiatus and hibernation. Tis will be the first time I will try writing again for this blog; writing or blabbing about senseless encounters and experiences with life with a capital F.

I have so many things to rant about… broken dreams (again), lost love, office politics, traitors, political turmoils, grad school problems, etc, etc.

Oh wait, but I chose to just type this, and say this in Filipino:

 

“tangina mo, world!”

 

 

 

The thing is, I am so fucking tired of you LIFE! Broken dreams, rejections, lost love failures, bitchy officemates, and the unfaithfulness of my dear cosmos. As in fucking seriously, I hate this LIFE! I fucking loathe and despise this LIFE! Oh, not just hate, loathe, and despise, I FUCKING DETEST LIFE!

And yeah, I know, I should get a LIFE now! As in right now, I just cannot fathom how the worms of that monstrous building devastate my being. FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

After a long time, I suddenly felt the urge to find a new job again. To start all over again and to colour this lonely and fricking and fucking life with the colour of life and fish gills. Truth is, I am so fucking meaningless, I am so deads, I am so unimportant. Aaaaack. I promised myself not to discern all of these but here I am again, ranting and writing all my grudges to this fucking world. No, no,no, don’t wipe these tears on my eyes. I SAID DON’T!

OhhellolifeiamsofockingtiredofyouasinyouwiththecapitalF

somanyrejectionssorrowsadnessIcantbearallofthemsocouldyoupleasetellthemto

leavemealoneeverynightbeforegoingtosleepIalwaysloathemyselffornotbeing

likehimorherorfornotbeinglovedbyeveryonejustlikehimorherIdetestthisfrickinand

freakinglifeIamsohopelessandhelplessIdontknowwhattodoandwhatosayallIcandois

tocrycrycrycryandcrytillthesetearsbecomepearlsoftheorientOhyeahtoomuch

sadnessheroineandthatfrickinpornwhichIlovethemostcanmakemekillmyselfnow

asinIcryagainbecausethislifeispointlessagainandagainwhatisthepointofliving

whentheresnolifeinitatallIhatethislifeIhatelostloveIhatebrokendreamsIdespise

thisworldIfeelsoinferiorOhyeahIknowthatthisworldcanstillsurvivewithoutthe

fockingmebecauseIamnotsomethingspecialOhohohThomYorkeYeahIamacreep